Bound to Serve Page 10

  He paused. “…a parent’s role.”

  Elspeth felt the lump in her throat swell to bursting. She was struggling to contain it when Harry spoke.

  “Why can’t Elspeth teach us?” he asked. “She’s a good teacher. And she likes to learn, too..”

  “Harry…” Clifford Harker’s voice was filled with warning. “This is none of your concern.”

  “It is my concern,” the boy persisted. “I like the way she teaches us…”

  “SILENCE!” Clifford Harker’s voice boomed through the kitchen. He leaned towards his son and Elspeth could not help but note the strain in his voice as he addressed his eldest.

  “I make the decisions in this house, Colin. And when I do they are not to be questioned unless you wish to feel the pain of correction.”

  Colin fell silent but the look of anger and hurt lingered on his face even as Elspeth stepped forward and put a hand on his shoulder.

  “He’s quite right, Colin,” she said. “And I don’t mind, really.” Elspeth tried to inject a positive tone in her voice but the words sounded flat, even to her.

  “Come now. Let’s go upstairs and get you and your brother cleaned up.”

  Colin and Harry rose and walked from the room, but as she was leaving Clifford Harker called after her.

  “Elspeth, a word.”

  She halted, not wanting to turn. But she knew she had to obey. Taking a deep breath she turned.

  “Sir?”

  “My reasoning on this…”

  “…needs no explanation,” she said, daring to finish his sentence for him. “Please, Master Harker. You made your plans clear to me last night. I am not so simple as you think. I understand why you do what you do. You do not need to explain. But the boys…”

  Her voice trailed off.

  “What about them?” A hard edge had returned to his tone. A challenging edge.

  “Nothing,” she said. “May I be excused, then?”

  “You may,” he said, although he hesitated a moment before releasing her. And in that moment the air hung heavy with words it seemed he wanted to say.

  A bell sounded as she left the room. Vistors.

  Elspeth turned and walked from the room and made her way to the door. On the stoop she found an older, tired looking man shivering against the cold. Behind him stood a horse harnessed to a trap. The animal stood with its head down, its eyes squinting against the driving wind.

  “May I help you?” she asked.

  “A message for Mr. Harker from Mrs. Habersham,” he said.

  “Thank you.” Elspeth took the note. “Can I offer you anything warm to drink?”

  The man shook his head. “No. If I tarry the mistress will only yell.” He lowered his voice. “You know how these rich folk can be.”

  She wanted to nod but only smiled.

  “Good morning to you, then,” she said and shut the door.

  Clifford Harker was still in the kitchen. She handed him the note and made to leave the room again, only to be stopped once more.

  “Elspeth, please lay out my dark gray suit and make sure the buttons are polished and shiny. Miss Alder has invited me for afternoon tea should the weather clear. The boys will be staying here. While I am gone I would like you to tend them and clean the ash boxes if you find the time.”

  She curtsied. “As you wish.”

  The pain was like a constant thorn in her heart. She imagined him sitting in some bright parlor making intelligent conversation about society matters and returning later to find her an ashen mess with a dirty kerchief tied about her head. He’d never asked her to clean the ash boxes before. She wondered now if he was purposefully demeaning her to remind them both of what she was.

  She laid out the suit as he’d ordered, hastily shining the buttons. Elspeth was eager to feel loved and valued and only two people in the world gave her that feeling now – Colin and Harry.

  She found them in the nursery. Colin was rolling a ball across the floor, but Harry was slumped in a chair by the window, his arms crossed sullenly on the sill. She’d promised herself she’d put some distance between them. But not yet, she told herself. At that moment, the boy needed something only she could provide.

  She walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. Reaching a hand out, she stroked his cheek.

  “There now,” she said.

  “I hate him.”

  “Harry…” She shook her head. “No, lad. Don’t say such things. No you do not.”

  “I do,” he said. “He’s pushing you away.”

  It was such a profound and insightful statement that for a moment Elspeth was taken aback.

  “It’s his right,” she said with finality.

  “It’s not his right!” Harry looked at her, his eyes wet with unshed tears. “What about us. We love you and he doesn’t care. I heard him last night, Elspeth. He’s going to court that lady who came over, isn’t he?”

  She sighed. “I can’t answer that, Harry.”

  How could she make him understand? It was so difficult. She lowered her voice.

  “I’m a servant,” she said. “Your father doesn’t want me to be anything else to you. I wish…” She stopped here, not wanting to influence the boy. “I’m powerless to do anything about this and even if I could it would not be right. Yes, you matter. Yes, your feelings matter. But so does your father’s place in the community. He’s expected to marry again, but to a suitable woman.”

  “You’re suitable!” Harry said.

  “Not in his eyes,” she said.

  “It’s only because he doesn’t understand!” Harry said, tears spilling from his eyes now. It was hard for Harry to allow himself to cry; Elspeth knew this. It took a lot for a lad who was so much like his father.

  “I’ll make him see,” the boy persisted, but Elspeth put her hands on his shoulder and gave him a squeeze, fixing her pained eyes on his.

  “No,” she said. “Harry, you musn’t. Promise me you won’t. I know it is hard to understand but if you do your father will only become angry with me. He may punish me, or send me away, for he will think I asked you to intercede.”

  “I’ll tell him it was my idea!” the boy countered.

  “He won’t believe you.” Elspeth did not want to say the words, but knew she had to.

  Harry fell silent and then finally nodded.

  “You’re right,” he said. “He would not. He never listens to anyone. He didn’t really listened to mother that much. He called her his silly girl.”

  Elspeth smiled at this and then moved to the window seat. Pulling Harry into her arms, she wrapped her shawl around them both and hugged him to her.

  “On Sunday you will meet Miss Alder,” she said. “When you do nothing will please me more than to know you and your brother were gracious and polite to her. Can you do that?”

  “I can try.”

  She smiled. For a child that was good enough.

  ***

  The snow stopped in early afternoon just after Clifford Harker had finished the closed-door reading lesson with his sons. Elspeth was preparing lunch when he came downstairs dressed in his blue suit. Her heart twisted at the sight of him standing there looking so handsome and she blushed when she realized she’d gazed at him longer than was proper when he appeared in the doorway.

  “I’ll be back before dark,” he said after standing there in silence for a moment.

  She nodded.

  “Look after the boys.”

  “I will.”

  “And the ash boxes, Elspeth. They’ll need…”

  “To be emptied and cleaned. I know. I’ve put that on the top of my list of things to do this afternoon.”

  More silence.

  “Yes. Well. I’m off.”

  He turned and walked away, speaking his farewells to the boys who were entering the kitchen as he left.

  “Father’s dressed up.” Colin walked over and tugged on Elspeth’s skirts. “Is he going to church?”

  “No,” Elspeth said. “He’s
going for tea.”

  “For tea?”

  “Yes, my nosy little stoat,” she said, guiding him to the table. “And if you’re a good lad I shall fix you some with your lunch today.”

  “I don’t like tea,” he said.

  “What about honey and milk then?”

  “Warmed up?” the child asked hopefully.

  “Warmed up,” she agreed and smiled over at Harry. “For the both of you.”

  Colin smiled but Harry still looked troubled. Elspeth hoped she had gotten through to him and that the lad would not say anything to his father.

  The afternoon passed slowly for Elspeth. After lunch she sent the boys to play in the parlor as she cleaned the ash boxes. As expected it was dirty work that left her covered with soot, and she was pleased when she had time enough before Clifford came home to at least wash her face and change her garments. The next day was wash day, and it couldn’t come fast enough for her.

  She was putting a roast on the spit when the master of the house arrived back home. Elspeth tried not to look at him, although she was burning with curiosity to search his face and learn something – anything – that would give her a clue as to how things had gone. Had he been intrigued? Smitten? Disappointed?

  “I’ll take dinner in my study tonight,” he said.

  Elspeth’s back was to him.

  “Sir?”

  “You heard me,” he said. “In my study.”

  “As you wish.”

  She heard a door shut down the hall and stood, looking at where he’d been standing. Her heart ached as she realized she’d been looking forward to serving him and the boys their evening meal. He’d allowed her to eat with them, and even when he was silent and broody she still enjoyed his company. What did it mean that he was to be absent from the table?

  She tried not to think too much of it as she finished her day’s chores and prepared the dinner plates. After settling the boys in at the table she took a tray of food down the hall to Clifford’s study and knocked on the door.

  “Dinner, sir,” she said.

  “Come in.”

  She opened the door and found him standing by the fire.

  “Put the tray on the table by the window,” he said.

  Elspeth obediently walked over and did as she was instructed. When she stood, however, she saw him closing the door she’d entered.

  Clifford Harker stood in front of it and crossed his hands behind his back.

  Elspeth turned and faced him, unsure of what was going on.

  “What did you say to my son today?” he asked.

  She looked at him, puzzled. “I don’t know what you mean?”

  “Harry. During lessons he said he said you are more to this family than a maid, regardless of what I may think.” He paused. “A rather bold statement for a child, don’t you think?”

  Elspeth felt her heart sink. Harry had ignored her appeal.

  “Harry is no ordinary child, sir. He’s very…”

  “Young. Too young to understand. Young enough to be manipulated by a treacherous maid.”

  “Treacherous…” She felt herself breath the word in disbelief and shook her head, fixing him with a look of undisguised disgust. “You think I would sway a child to assure myself a better position?”

  “I have only dealt with well-bred ladies. I have little experience with your kind. I admit I am not entirely sure of what your kind is capable of.”

  “You bastard!” The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, her Irish temper rising to such a pitch her face burned with it. “How dare you!”

  She repeated the words even as he advanced on her, his face at least as furious as her own.

  “How dare I?” he asked, grabbing her and shaking her. “How dare you profane me, servant!”

  She made to jerk away. “Servant I may be. Uneducated I may be. Ill-bred I may be. But I still have enough human decency to abstain from accusing people of that which they would never do, and enough intelligence to realize that children often observe and understand far more than we give them credit for.”

  Elspeth glared at him, hating her master now as much as she’d thought she’d loved him moments before.

  “No,” she hissed. “I would never do such a thing. And even though I may be more than a maid to Harry and Colin and am proud of it, I want to be nothing more to such a horrible man as you. I misjudged you, Clifford Harker. I thought you were a decent man. But you are not. You are not!”

  Something flitted through his eyes – hurt, injury, regret? Elspeth could not tell, but it was there. Then it was gone, veiled over by dark anger.

  “I knew the moment I saw you that you were a willful girl,” he said, dragging her to the table. He pushed the tray of food she’d just placed there to the floor and shoved her over it, pinning her hands to the small of her back as he raised her skirts.

  Elspeth braced himself as he began to spank her, his hard hand slamming into the soft skin of her bottom again and again. But even as she felt tears of pain sting her eyes she found she could not cry. Instead she just lay there, making no sound as tears leaked from her eyes as she let her bottom absorb the pain which seemed to travel deeper and deeper inside of her until it found a heart that seemed to always have room for more.

  He must have hit her a dozen times before he realized she wasn’t resisting, wasn’t crying, wasn’t responding.

  And then Clifford Harker let go and stumbled back. Elspeth held her position, her passiveness a further indictment of his cruelty.

  “Get up,” he croaked.

  She stood and pushed her skirts down, smoothing them.

  “Are you done then, sir?” she asked.

  He said nothing, but only blinked as he looked away. His expression was pained and confused.

  But still Elspeth felt nothing for him but contempt.

  “I’ll clear this mess,” she said, and walked stiffly over to where the shattered dishes lay. Pulling the tray to her she put the pieces of broken glassware and food on it as he watched from the shadows, his chest heaving with ragged breath. What small pieces remained she cleaned up with the whisk broom.

  “I’ll not bring you another tray,” she said as she moved past him. “If you want dinner you’ll find it in the kitchen.”

  Would he follow her, drag her back into the study, beat her for further impertinence? Would he cast her out in the wintery landscape with not even a letter? Would he drive her away?

  Elspeth knew he could. But she could not bring herself to care except when she went back in the room and saw the boys looking at her with fearful expressions. They had heard. She knew they had heard, and her heart sank. Colin flew to her and when he did se put the tray down and hugged him back. Harry came to her then, his arms even tighter around her waist.

  She did not see Clifford Harker enter the room but knew by his older son’s expression that his father was behind them.

  The boy looked fierce.

  “You’re cruel,” he said as he ran from the room. “You’re cruel and vile and I don’t care if you beat me the way I hard you beat her. I wish I had died with mother. It would be easier than losing someone else who cares about me.”

  His voice broke like a wave over the last words and now Elspeth did cry, silently into the back of her hand as she squeezed Colin on the shoulder and moved across the room. She heard Clifford gasp, stomp towards the door after his son and then stop.

  “Elspeth,” he began, his voice strained and choked. But she just raised her hand and shook her head. She could not talk to him. She was too confused, too hurt, too wounded and heartsick and …

  She did not want to turn and see Clifford Harker’s face, for she knew what she would see in it. To hear those words from Harry had struck her to the core. What had it been like for Clifford, given that they came from his own son. Even a hard of solid rock could not bear that kind of blow.

  When she finally turned she knew she was right. He was clutching the sideboard, his knuckles nearly white. His f
ace was distorted into a mask of renewed grief so terrible that Colin had retreated to the far side of the kitchen and stood watching with fearful eyes.

  Who should she go to? She made her choice.

  “Come now, Colin,” she said. “Your father needs some time alone.”

  She wanted to let herself care, to let herself care enough to go to him. But she would not allow it. What he’d said to her in the study – even if he regretted it now – was unforgiveable. If he wanted the line between them to be cut, he had done it. There was no going back, she thought.

  At least now, she knew where she stood, where they stood. And that, perhaps, would make it easier for both of them to get on with lives that were joined by the household duties, yet were destined to be separate where it mattered the most.

  Chapter Eleven

  He called on Prudence the next day. Clifford did not tell Elspeth and the boys that was where he was going, but she knew. And she was pretty sure Colin knew, too. After his father left, she found him in the upstairs window seat using a paring knife to deface the sill. With a heavy sigh, Elspeth sat down and put her hands over his. Gently she took his wrist and put her hand on the knife. The boy held onto it for a few moments, not looking at her. But she tugged softly until he loosened his grip.

  “Col, why would you do such a thing?”

  The boy said nothing, only shrugged.

  Elspeth dropped the knife in her pocket and sighed.

  “There are some things in life we cannot control,” she said. “You cannot control your father; you’re just a lad. He’s going to do what he’s going to do, Colin. I cannot control him either, nor would I even if I could. I can do nothing but promise you that I will stay here by your side – and by your brother’s – for as long as I am allowed.”

  “She’s not as pretty as you,” the boy said, looking out the window. “If she comes here she will be jealous and make you leave.”

  Elspeth smiled at the lad’s keen insight into the female mind. She leaned forward and put her arm around him.

  “Perhaps not,” she said. “If her father only has eyes for her it should not matter how pretty the maid is.”